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How To Not Sell Your Horse
Horse Joke - by Annamaria Tadlock
http://www.ultimatehorsesite.com/fun/joke_sellhorsewrong.html

Fun Stall Activities
Written by Annamaria Tadlock
Are you a stall-bound horse? Want to amuse yourself and your human? Well, here are some fun activities for you!
http://www.ultimatehorsesite.com/fun/joke_stallactivities.html

Crazy Crosses
After somebody told me their Tennessee Walker/Friesian colt was called a "Walking Freezer", I thought, why not come up with some other strange breed crosses?
http://www.ultimatehorsesite.com/fun/crazycrosses.html

Top 10 Spookey Things
A horse's point of view

10. Blowing Paper:
"At any moment it could whip up into our faces, covering our noses. We could suffocate. And don't try to tell us you'd do CPR."

9. Barking Dogs:
"What? You've never read Steven King's CUJO?"

8. Puddles of Water:
"Quicksand."

7. Trash Cans:
"They've been known to swallow horses and transport them into another dimension."

6. Babies and Li'l Kids:
"Long lost tribe of horse-eating pygmies."

5. Plaid Horse Blankets:
"Hey, when was the last time you wore plaid? It adds 100 lbs."

4. Ropes and Hoses on the Ground:
"Dreaded Trail Snakes."

3. Ponies:
"Cute, cleaver, hardy. They want to take over the world."

2. Windy Days:
"Two Words: impending tornado."

1. Carts and Wagons:
"Look. You put a human on our backs, we can always buck them off. But hitching a horse to a wheeled object? It's just not right."

Seller's Terms...what they say & what they mean...

Nicely Started: we can lunge him, but we don't have enough insurance to ride him yet
Top Show Horse: won a reserve championship 5 years ago at a show with unusually low entries due to a hurricane
Home Bred: knows nothing except being raised on the front porch
Recently Vetted: someone else found something badly wrong with the horse
Big Boned: good thing horse has mane & tail or he would be mistaken for a cow
Doing Courses: when tranqualized to the eyeballs & lunged 6 hrs straight before hand
Well Mannered: hasn't stepped on, bitten, or kicked anyone for a week
Professionally Trained: hasn't stepped, bitten, or kicked anyone for a month
Should Mature 16 hands: currently 13h, dam is 14.3hh, sire is 15hh, every horse in pedigree back 18 generations is under 15h but this horse will definitely defy his DNA
To Good Home Only: not really for sale unless you can 1) pay twice what he is worth, 2) allow current owner to tuck in beddy - bye every night, 3) are willing to sign a 10 page legal document
Bold: runaway
Athletic: He's a runaway, but he looks good doing it
Needs intermediate Rider: runaway
Needs Experienced Rider: "dead" runaway
Dead Quiet: just dead
No Vices: especially when he wears his muzzle
Light Cribber: we can't afford to build any more barns & fences for the buzz saw
No Time For Him: he's lucky to be fed
Excellent Disposition: never been out of his stall
Clips, floats, and Loads: Clippity, clippity is the sound his hooves make when he hauls a$$ across the parking lot when you try to load him
Great Halter Prospect: Bred for beauty, not for brains
Bomb Proof: So dumb you could set off a bomb under his tail and he wouldn't blink.
Good broodmare: She's too dumb to do anything else.
He Can Do It All: bite, kick, buck, rear...
Flashy: nice looking... forget about him being rideable
Stunning: you'll be stunned at his kicking power
Very Brave: even a whip can't force him back
Slight Case Of Navicular: better buy him before he's too lame to walk
Proven Sire: The mare we bred him to had a baby
Lots of Potential: Under the right circumstances, you might be able to ride him
Great Bloodlines: He can't do anything, but that's okay because some horse 20 generations back did something
Already Broke: two fences, one arm, six buckets
Got Cow Sense: he'll attack any cattle within a 5-mile radius
Unregistered: probably stolen
Protective Mother: don't even think about going near the foal
Lady's Horse: Perfectly sweet with women, but will kill men
Good Disposition: The only good thing about him
Selling Due to Retirement: he's making us old
Started Good: we quit while we were ahead
Started: we quit while we were still alive
Loud Color: we spray painted him bright red
Really Broke: literally
Anyone Can Ride: as long as they have the right protective gear, they will survive
Smooth: you won't notice he's bucking until you're on the ground!
Event Prospect: Big, Fast Horse
Dressage Prospect: Big, Slow Horse
Hack Prospect: Pretty Color
Sporting Prospect: Short, Fast Horse
Camp Prospect: Fast Horse which can turn
Endurance Prospect: Fast Horse which will turn sometimes
Flashy: White Socks
Attractive: Bay
15.2hh: 14.3hh
16.2hh: 15.3hh
To Loving Home Only: Expensive
To Show Home Only: Very Expensive
Needs Experienced Rider: Potentially Lethal
Elegant: Thin
Free Moving: Bolts
Quiet: Lame in Both Front Legs
Dead Quiet: Lame in All Four Legs
Good in Traffic (Bombproof): Lame all Round, Deaf and Blind
Loves Children: Kicks and Bites
Pony Type: Small and Hairy
Arab Type:Looks startled
TB Type: Looks Terrified
Quarter Horse Type: Chunky
Halter Horse Type: Fat
Warmblood Type: Big and Hairy
Draught Type: Big and Exceedingly Hairy
Easy to Catch: Very Old
Must Sell: Wife has left home and taking kids
All Offers Considered: I am in Traction for 6 months
Good Jumper prospect: Looks great jumping over the pasture fence, if you can ever catch'im, you might just have yourself a great jumper!

Horsey Jokes

One day a man passed by a farm and saw a beautiful horse. Hoping to buy the animal, he said to the farmer: "I think your horse looks pretty good, so I'll give you $500 for him." "He doesn't look so good, and he's not for sale," the farmer said. The man insisted, "I think he looks just fine and I'll up the price to $1,000." "He doesn't look so good," the farmer said, "but if you want him that much, he's yours." The next day the man came back raging mad. He went up to the farmer and screamed, "You sold me a blind horse. You cheated me!" The farmer calmly replied, "I told you he didn't look so good, didn't I?"

An Easterner had always dreamed of owning his own horse ranch, and finally made enough money to buy himself the spread of his dreams out west. "So what did you name the ranch?" asked his best friend when came to visit. "We had a heck of a time," admitted the new cowboy, couldn't agree on anything. We finally settled on the Double R Lazy L Triple Horseshoe Bar-7 Lucky Diamond ABC XYZ Ranch. "Wow!" his friend was impressed. "So where are all the horses?" "None of 'em survived the branding."

There was a preacher who was trying to sell his horse. A man stopped by to see how the horse rode. The preacher told the man that instead of saying, “walk", say, “praise the Lord,” and instead of saying, “whoa,” say, “amen.” So the man got on the horse and said, “praise the Lord,” and the horse started to walk. The man then said, “praise the Lord,” again and the horse started to trot. He said it a few more times, then the horse started galloping. Suddenly a cliff appeared. The man yelled "Whoa!". The horse didn't stop. He tried yelling all sorts of things, and he tried to pull the horse up, but it wouldn't stop. Then suddenly he remembered what to say. The man said, “amen.” The horse stopped right before they fell off. The man was so relieved that he put his hand on his forehead and then said, ”Praise the Lord.”

An out-of-towner accidentally drives his car into a deep ditch on the side of a country road. Luckily a farmer happened by with his big old horse named Betsy. The man asked for help. The farmer said Betsy could pull his car out. So he backed Betsy up and hitched Betsy to the man's car bumper. Then he yelled, "Pull, Nellie, pull." Betsy didn't move. Then he yelled, "Come on, pull Ranger." Still, Betsy didn't move. Then he yelled really loud, "Now pull, Fred, pull hard." Betsy just stood. Then the farmer nonchalantly said, "Okay, Betsy, pull." Betsy pulled the car out of the ditch. The man was very appreciative but curious. He asked the farmer why he called his horse by the wrong name three times. The farmer said, "Oh, Betsy is blind, and if she thought she was the only one pulling she wouldn't even try.

Three race horses stood in their stalls. One said to other others: "I ran 20 races and I won 15 of them!" she bragged. The next said with a snort, "Well, I ran 30 races and won 25 of them!" Then the third horse spoke up proudly, "Yeah, I ran 41 races and won 39 of them!" This seemed to settle the topic when the horses noticed a Greyhound outside their stalls. The Greyhound said, "I ran 100 races and I won 99 of them." The horses looked at each other in amazement and one gasped, "Wow! A talking greyhound!"

One day Mary said to her husband Bob, "Why don't we get ourselves two horses? We could go on trail rides and we can keep them in the paddock behind the house." Bob thought that it was a good idea, so the next day they came home with two horses. There was one problem, however. They couldn't tell the two apart! Sometimes they would get confused and ride the wrong horse. They sat down to have a talk about what they could do to tell the horses apart. Bob said, "Well, I'll shave my horse's mane off, and we can tell them apart that way!" After a few months, the mane grew back, and they had the same problem. "I'll cut my horse's tail short, so then we can tell them apart!" said Mary. But, the tail grew out, and they still had a problem! They decided to measure the horses. Bob would have the biggest one, and Mary would have the smaller one. Guess what they found? The brown one was two inches taller than the gray one!